Apr. 21, 2017
Roasting the Toronto Raptors
by P.D. Parr
...bad jokes as I watch the Toronto Raptors struggle against the Milwaukee Bucks:
The other day I walked over to a friend's house. He was sitting on his couch watching the Raptors play. Out of nowhere, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked him, but he shook his head.
"I don't know...they're...they're just so boring."
When DeMar DeRozen drives to the middle of the lane and shoots over someone, 3 million children around the world simultaneously yawn.
Kyle Lowry just passed the ball inside to...annnd I'm tired of typing this sentence.
Why did they choose the 'Raptors' as a nickname? Ah, okay, because they're old and extinct. That makes sense now.
I once attended a Raptors game in Toronto wearing the opposing team's jersey. When my team had beaten them, a couple of Raptors fans saw me and said, 'Sorry we almost won'. I accepted their apology. Then I said, "I'm sorry your team sucks." They shook their head, then said, "Yeah, we're sorry they're not better."
Whenever the Toronto Raptors win a basketball game, they tell their fans to make sure to contact any friends who might have liked the other team. It's called caring, okay? Lowry announces over the microphone. The crowd nods and says sorry.
Two Canadians walked into a bar. They did not watch the Raptors play.
Before a playoff game, coach Dwane Casey wrote a message on the locker room whiteboard: "Believe...", it read. When he came back at halftime, he saw that someone had finished the sentence. "...in Jesus." Casey shook his head, then told his team he was sorry.
With the score tied and only 3 seconds left, the team huddled. Casey said to his team, 'Who wants to take the last shot?' Lowry and DeRozen stared at each other with utter determination. After several seconds, they nodded and said 'Rock, Paper, Scissors, Show!' Both chose Rock. "Sorry," they said. Casey nodded. "It's okay...how about both of you take the last shot?"