Frank Vogel and Jason Kidd to Coach the LOLakers

Women with children across Laker Hater Nation got a great Mother’s Day gift from the NBA’s most verklempt franchise—move over Knicks, at least you guys have a fighting chance at getting Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving on your team.

Frank Vogel is reportedly going to be the new head coach of the purple-and-gold Dumpster fire in Tinseltown, and Jason Kidd is going to be one of his assistants.

This is the same Frank Vogel who got himself run out of Indiana for failing to adopt anything remotely resembling modern offensive principles—even Nate McMillan looks like Mike Budenholzer compared to him—and faceplanted in Orlando so badly that he stunted the career development of Aaron Gordon and Nikola Vucevic, both of whom thrived under Steve Clifford.

And as for Jason Kidd, he couldn’t figure out how to win basketball games with Giannis Antetokounmpo on his team. It’s not terribly fair to judge assistants based on their head coaching record—Alvin Gentry, looking at you—but if the goal the Lakers had was to put together first-class sideline leadership, well…

Let’s back up a minute here. Because we know full well that wasn’t the Lakers’ goal. They moved on from Monty Williams and Tyronn Lue.

The goal is to appease LeBron James. And apparently LeBron wants to play for the 2013 Pacers, since he’s got Vogel as his coach and Lance Stephenson as a teammate. Shame Paul George said thanks-but-no-thanks to him. Maybe the Lakers can get George Hill and lure Danny Granger out of retirement? Heck, the 2014 Nets made the playoffs running out a team of All-Stars from six years before, so why not? Kidd was even that ’14 Nets coach.

If you look at Frank Vogel’s coaching record, you see a guy whose offenses were always lousy. The 2013 Eastern Conference Finals Pacers team was 20th in Offensive Rating. The 2014 edition was 23rd, and that was a team that won 56 regular-season games.

Vogel’s 2012 lockout squad was seventh on offense, but that was 2012, and Vogel seems bent on running that same offense in 2019.

In Vogel’s two seasons in Orlando, the Magic were 29th and 25th offensively and 22nd and 18th defensively, putting up a combined 54-110 record and actually getting worse by four wins in their second year—then making the playoffs and winning a road game in Round 1 before being eliminated.

Frank Vogel was a great NBA coach in 2012. He was a good coach in 2013 and ’14. Then the league evolved underneath him and he became a legitimately atrocious coach in Orlando.

That’s the guy who’s going to coach the Lakers.

Kidd’s numbers in his four full years? 14Th, 26th, 26th, 13th offensively. The Bucks cracked the top ten the next year, but just look at what Giannis and friends have done with Coach Bud at the helm (4th offensively, 1st defensively, and the best record in the whole league.)

The Bucks defensively under Kidd? 4Th, 23rd (!), 19th, 19th. And again, they jumped up to best in the whole league once Kidd was gone. He inherited an excellent defensive team and coached them into a terrible one.

Vogel doesn’t seem the sort who is just going to roll over and let LeBron coach the team the way Lue would. Kidd is notorious for failing to get along with his players, one reason he got run out of Milwaukee.

Let’s just pencil in the Lakers for a lottery appearance in 2020, because their bumbling idiot front office managed to take a bad situation and actually trade down.

Rejoice, Laker haters, because this team is going to suck.