That the Sacramento Kings did not finish last in the Pacific Division in 2017-18 is a startling testament to just how bad the Phoenix Suns were. It is not, in any conceivable way, an endorsement of the quality of the Kings as a team.
De’Aaron Fox had an atrocious rookie season. The Kings front office could not be trusted to organize a bake sale, never mind the day-to-day operations of an NBA team, and what is it with the implication that bake sales are always managed by incompetent people? Where’s the love for the stay-at-home moms taking an active role in their kids’ school activities? What was I saying again and WHY AM I SHOUTING OH RIGHT BASKETBALL.
Seriously, if the Kings are going to show no indication that they take being a professional basketball team seriously, what business do I have taking being a professional sportswriter seriously when writing about them?
But that’s not why we’re here. Let’s just roll out some stats, huh?
2017-18 record: 27-55
2018-19 over/under: 25.5
Oh Man, That’s Rough
How bad do you have to be that Vegas is actually predicting you’ll do worse after you drafted genuine Rookie of the Year contender Marvin Bagley III for your roster?
Is Vegas convinced that Bags will be another Fox, putting up sub-minus-1 VORP numbers and a PER that looks like a hat size?
Are they convinced that 29th in Offensive Rating, 28th in Defensive Rating, and still having the same coach (Dave Joerger) is probably not a good thing?
Or is the simple fact that nobody on this roster’s being paid more than $12 million and the only guys with eight-figure contracts are an older-than-the-hills Zach Randolph and Iman Shumpert‘s broken body somehow scream loudly enough that this is not an NBA franchise anymore?
Bagley’s got no help. Even LeBron couldn’t put this team in the playoffs if they played in the East.
My Namesake, I Am Disappoint
Fox has a crackhead hairstyle. Like, I see that kind of hair on a guy out in the wild here in Seattle, I’m figuring he is actually on crack.
And he’s got a crackhead game on the court. 41.2 percent shooting, 30.7 percent from three, actual negative win shares (minus-0.6!), a putrid .441 eFG% and .478 True Shooting, that -1.2 VORP that was as bad as anyone in the league not named Tyler Ulis…
Fox is atrocious. He’s not sticking in this league, since he hasn’t shown a single instance where you watch him play professional basketball and think “there’s a quality NBA talent.” Even when you account for him being on the Kings, he still sucks.
We Are the Buddy Bears, We Always Get Along
Buddy Hield is good. Like, 43.1 percent shooting from three good.
Unless, y’know, he’s supposed to play defense (-1.4 DBPM dragging him down to -0.2 overall), contribute to winning (a .067 WS/48, well below starter level even on a bad team), or do anything other than be Steve Kerr on the ’96 Bulls.
The Kings are not the ’96 Bulls.
Moe, Larry, and Shump
Granted, Shumpert only played in 19 games last season. But his regression to his putrid 2015-16 numbers suggests a guy who’s not about to get his groove back on a garbage team.
Shump hit just 37.9 percent of his shots, 26.9 percent of his threes, and posted and eFG% and TS% of .440 and .480 respectively with a PER of 6.4.
Iman Shumpert is the second-highest-paid player on the Kings.
Justin Jackson Also Sucks
Jackson posted a 9.2 PER, -0.6 VORP, and started 41 games. Come on, man.
Cauley On the Stein, Cauley, Call Me Anytime
Willie Cauley-Stein posted .092 WS/48, a 1.2 VORP, and a 17.6 PER. He is Sacramento’s best player. And as a big man he posted a .529 True Shooting.
Look, I told you, if they’re not going to take this seriously, why should I?
Look, unless Bagley is the second coming of Christ, the Kings are by far the worst team in the entire Western Conference and will run neck-and-neck with the Knicks for the worst team in the whole league.
Under. Busted. Sacramento sucks. A Black Lives Matter protest nearly wiped out a home game last year, but the real protest should be by Kings fans who get led into the parking lot by Chris Webber and Peja Stojakovic.
There’s always next year…